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Beer Logic
Symptom: Beer is crystal clear
Fault: It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action to take: Punch the guy who gave you the water.
Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action to take: See if they have free beer.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass or bottle held at incorrect angle
Action to take: Adjust angle so open end points to ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: improper bladder control
Action to take: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault: Glass or bottle is empty
Action to take: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with florescent lights
Fault: You have fallen over backward
Action to take: Chain yourself to the bar
Symptom: Mouth filled with cigarette butts
Fault: You have falled forward
Action to take: see above
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your t-shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open, or container applied to wrong part of face
Action to take: Enter bathroom, confirm mouth location, practice in the mirror
Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty container
Action to take: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Action to take: Find out if you're being taken to another bar
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Fault: Bar is closed
Action to take: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home
Symptom: Taxi is unusually colorful and "pretty"
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Action to take: Cover mouth
Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
Fault: You are dancing on the bar
Action to take: Find someone cushy-looking to land on
Symptom: Your singing sound distorted
Fault: Insufficient beer intake
Action to take: Increase beer intake until it sounds just right
Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song
Fault: Correct beer intake
Action to take: Play air guitar
Symptom: Unattractive woman in your sights
Fault: Insufficient beer intake
Action to take: Up the dosage
Symptom: Shins and toes hurt
Fault: You've been walking into things
Action to take: Mantain dosage
Symptom: Squishy feeling in the hands
Fault: You've grabbed a woman's breasts
Action to take: If boyfriend exists, duck to avoid punch. If no boyfriend exists, ask for name and phone number
Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
Fault: You've been in a fight
Action to take: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Symptom: Bed is stiff and bumping around, wierd people standing around you
Fault: Taking a ride in an ambulance
Action to take: No action necessary, you've already made an ass out of yourself.